From Rags to Riches

I'm not in the business of minding my own business.

I tend to stick my nose where it least belongs. This is a problem that I would fix, but it seems as though my nose is without a home. Abandoned as it may be, it appears as though it's only friend is it's acute sense of smell. A sort of super-sensory ability to sniff out situations of which it has no business being involved in. An olfactory omen, both transient and unwelcome.

So where does this leave me? Well, up until recently it has resulted in a lot of lost time. I tend to invest in baskets which no sane individual would dare place a single egg in, let alone the dozens which I have broken due to my lack of foresight. You could make enough omelets to feed an entire Denny's with the time that I've wasted in the past.

One thing you learn in business school is that business is never personal. Of course, this refers to the term business in the economic sense. What they fail to teach you, is that when it comes to the other definition attached to this word, there isn't getting much more personal. Being as how one's "business" is that which they concern themselves with, I would suggest that if it is not personal, then it is inevitably doomed to fail.

So, where am I going with this? All this talk of noses, and eggs, and business just sounds like a big clusterfuck of some kid feeling sorry for himself, right? Wrong. Up until this point I may have sounded pessimistic, but what I am really doing is formulating a new business plan for my life. Nobody has ever become successful as a result of producing the exact same product as someone else, and a truly ambitious businessman can never get comfortable having a boss to answer to. So, from now on I am going to be considering myself an entrepreneur. I will thrive off of no other man's achievements and I will climb to the top of the ladder and become a pioneer in the industry of me. As of recent it seems that I am truly in the business of eliminating business as usual, and if you are a smart investor, then I would recommend buying soon, because business is booming.

Comfortable is Just Another Word for Stationary.

The longer I live, and the more misfortunes that I encounter, the more I realize that good can truly be taken out of any situation. 2009 for me was a year that close to nothing really went right, and yet here I am today, not even a month into 2010 and I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing about the last year.

Why is it that we are a people who are so afraid to embrace the unknown? Why do we so enjoy being completely set in our ways? How can we possibly be so comfortable moving at such a slow pace? Although it may not be exact, it took around 365 days worth of trials for me to realize that life is far too beautiful an experience to settle for anything less than extraordinary.

It astonishes me how many different versions of myself I have seen this last year. There was a point in these last 365 days where the thing which defined me the most was a relationship that I had with a girl who didn't appreciate me. There was another point where I was mainly defined by how defeated I had become after losing her. This year I have been a clothing salesman in two different venues (even if one of the venues only lasted approximately two shifts worth of work.) I have been a receptionist, an electronics salesman, and I have even been unemployed. I have been a good student, and I have been an underachieving one. My record was once clean, and now I am on probation. I have been called a nice guy, a good guy, an asshole, an enemy, a boyfriend, a best friend, and plenty of other things to go with it. I have been the guy someone was "talking" to and the guy that you can talk to. There were times in 2009 that I was independent, dependent, codependent, transcendent, and unable to be depended on. The list goes on, but the theme remains the same. I used to think that what I had been experiencing was a series of unfortunate events, or a spell of bad luck. Now I realize that I was simply growing up, and that to look at that so negatively makes forward motion an impossibility.

My resolution not only for 2010, but for the remainder of my life, is not to fear change and be open to the possibility that if something is going differently than how I had planned, it may be for a reason. I used to think that the words "comfortable" and "happy" were synonymous, but right now "comfortable" is one of the last words I would use to describe my life, and yet I have never been happier with who I am. From here on out, although it may be difficult, I plan on trying to celebrate my discomfort, and my misfortune. Although it may not feel great while it is happening, I can't help but to be excited about the fact that these are the things which are molding me, and helping me to grow into who I truly am.

BLOG

I've decided that I want to start keeping a blog again. Since the virtual collapse of Myspace, I haven't written a whole lot due to a lack of a good place to post everything, so here is my attempt at starting again. I am sort of doing this in a hurry, so for now I have just posted some of my favorite writings from the past.

For those who may actually read and might be unfamiliar with my style of writing, 75% of what I post is either fiction or music. I throw in actual rants/thoughts/commentaries from time to time, but for the most part this is a chance for me to better myself as a writer.

Anyway, I hope you hate it!

Zack

Do Your Worst

Throw me under the bridge
Throw me under the bridge and I'll live there
Throw me under the bridge
I'll be the troll that controls who can come and can go

Throw me under the bus
Throw me under the bus and I'll lie there
Throw me under the bus and I'll die and you'll cry
and you won't get a wink's sleep at night

Darling, your name's so important
I would hate to see it distorted
by any silly thing that I might do

Fill my shoes with cement
Fill my shoes with cement and then toss me
Toss me over the bridge that you threw me under
but this time aim for the water

Tie me down on the tracks
Tie me down so I can't move a muscle
Tie me down and then go so that you can't see the show
when the train spills my blood into puddles

Darling, your name's so important
I would hate to see it distorted
by any silly thing that I might do
It's charming to stand in your corner
Can almost see you over my shoulder
But it's harming me to do so much for you

My body's full of holes
and my bones are weak and old
so won't you leave me to die out in the cold?

These are my final words
not a thing you've done has hurt
so crush me baby. Do your very worst

Darling, your name's so important
I would hate to see it distorted
by any silly thing that I might do
It's charming to stand in your corner
Can almost see you over my shoulder
But it's harming me to do so much for you

Throw me under the bridge
Throw me under the bridge and I'll burn it
I'll swallow you whole

and if they do...

**Originally written on May 1, 2009

Bed bugs bite

they crawl and I fight

to keep them from keeping me

from sleeping at night

they bite like a snake

till I turn and I shake

filled with sleep-stealing venom

which will keep me awake

though I pray and I beg

while I lay in my bed

not a thing will remove

thoughts of these bugs from my head

So I itch and I scratch

until my skin starts to rash

their mere presence enough

to make me envy a car crash

Not a thing to protect

my sleep or my neck

so I stare at the ceiling

with my thoughts to collect

Wish these bugs would erase

disappear into space

or at least that there was something

or someone keeping me safe

This Guy's got Jokes.

**Originally written on March 5, 2009.

A sixteen year old kid walks into a clothing store...

Sort of a unique way to start out an interesting anecdote, eh? Usually it's a pirate, a preacher or a black guy, and usually it is at a bar. I think if you are going to try and tell a joke with expectations of really being able to crack up the crowd, you should start it out more believably with a character they can relate to.

He walks in and heads straight to the counter, but on his way he is greeted by a salesman...

So far so good right? Like, you can picture all of this, can't you? You have to make sure that your audience can imagine the scenario when they close their eyes and think about it if you really want to knock 'em dead once you hit the punchline.

The salesman walks up to him, and he says "Lookin' for some new jeans?"...

People can relate to this part, ya know? Like...who doesn't hate that annoying salesperson who automatically assumes you want his help? It's the "funny because it's true" aspect. People love to hear that in a good joke.

The kid explains to him that he has just come in to talk to the manager as he has applied to work their as a salesperson himself and wanted a chance to meet him...

Not the funniest part of the joke...but you know, without specific details you may lose the listener before you get to the good part, so make sure you keep the picture crisp in their minds.

The salesperson takes him to the manager and they shake hands and set up an interview...

We're almost at the good part! I promise. Just hold in there, keep your delivery strong and if you feel like you are losing the audience than be sure to emphasize the few words just before the punchline so as to tip them off that the laughs are about to take over!

After the interview, the kid gets hired, and he actually believes that this job will hold for him a future and that with time, it will offer him an opportunity to move forward in the company!

....

What?! You didn't think that was funny? I mean, I did everything right! I timed it perfect, I didn't skip any details...so what is the problem?

Hm. I guess that just since I think it is hilarious in reflection, doesn't mean that it is worthy of becoming a joke that I tell my friends...

Anyway, 2 and a half years, three managers, and a 25 cent raise later, here I am. 2 or 3 hours more a week than I got when I was that ignorant little bastard from the joke. It really is funny just how much one can allow themselves to actually believe that a place of work cares about them as a person. Or at least it is funny how much I did.

I am not fired nor quitting. I merely feel trapped. Like an unfortunate bystander of a long and drawn out joke, I feel completely and utterly trapped with no hint of the punchline in sight. I already committed to standing here and listening to the god damn thing, so I can't very well just walk out in the middle of it. I just wish whoever was telling it would hurry up and finish, so that I can throw them a courtesy-laugh and be on my way.

The Heartbreak Kid is Trapped in Your Extended Network

**Originally written on July 2, 2008.

What I'm reading is a sixty-something question survey posted as a bulletin on myspace by someone who I know close to nothing about. You would think that this means once I'm done reading I will suddenly know something more about this person...or at least you would think that this is my intent. Truth is, this has just become a way for me to bore myself into potentially catching some sleep. It is really incredible how much the internet has to offer and yet how little good it actually provides for anyone.

What I'm thinking is I wish it didn't take learning Emily Emoticon's preference on pops in order to find myself sleeping comfortably. There is just something about the unbelievable lack of effort that people put into survey after survey on these websites that is really soothing to a fellow like myself. I guess it's just knowing that honestly nobody else's life is any better than mine that helps me forget about my own problems. You would think if you were bored enough to fill out a personal questionnaire filled with questions about yourself and post it for the public that you might actually put some time and thought into the answers. The reality, however, is that half the time when reading these things all you see is "yes" or "no" or "I don't know" or "maybe". I mean, shoot, if this is the best they can do, then it must mean that nobodies life is any more exciting or unique than mine...and for some reason I find comfort in that.

What I'm wearing is a look of disinterest. A pair of half-open eyes that are dark to match my aura...whatever the fuck that is. I hit refresh in hopes to find something interesting and all I see is Franky Facebook's newest post about how some bitch who got capped when she was pregnant is going to haunt me if I don't repost this quicker than I can even take a breathe. Is this how people entertain themselves these days? Via internet superstition and a desire to be immortal...well, immortal, that is, until ten more people post bulletins about finding your true love and getting free applebee's coupons? Then again, I guess it isn't much better when you entertain yourself at their expense, full knowing their lack of effort and still reading their ramblings despite it. The internet is a brilliant thief who steals time from them thus stealing it from me in a vicious cycle of attempting to be entertained and still coming up short. After all, when was the last time anyone said "I wish this survey would never end" or "I can't wait to see what Jimmy posts tonight!"? No matter what end you're on, the internet is fucking boring and yet somehow in modern society it is our main source of everything from art to orgasms to whatever else we are too numb and lazy to experience in person. Fuck you Tom. Not even you can take the time to change your god damn default picture you lazy fucking bastard.

What I'm asking myself is if I am a part of this. "Yes." What I'm trying to figure out is if I am actually enjoying myself. "No." What I can't understand is if I am aware of it why I don't hold myself to a higher standard. "I don't know." Will I ever do anything about it? "Maybe."

Who I am on Myspace is almost representative of who I wish I really was in real life. Sure, the outline is there and what you see on the page is what you get to some extent in person, but when you look at me living do you see the exact same thing that you see when you click 5 friends down your top list and find yourself redirected to my page? I may be a straight caucasian capricorn who is slender, in a relationship, and making less than $30,000 a year, but would you know the truth about me if you talked to me in person the way that you believe you do through reading my blogs? I mean, just because I have a picture of Jesus under my heroes section doesn't mean you'd ever know I even care about him without it. My mood may indeed inform you that I am feeling quixotic (which I still can't define) but in actuality I may be feeling quite the contrary.

What I'm realizing is how much this all makes sense. If you had somewhere to go where you didn't have to be yourself and the most you had to worry about was whether you're latest friend request got accepted or not, you'd leave in a second. And you probably do every day several times a day. I do. It's really funny how much people always tend to have in common with those that disgust them the most.

What I'm wearing is a tired, yet hopeful look of ambition. My eyes are still dark yet now Im feeling sorely mismatched. I'm thinking about shopping around for something with a little more truth on the sleeves than what I am wearing right now. Maybe tomorrow I will call one of the 161 less friends that I have in person than I do on Myspace and do something before work.

What I'm doing is signing off. What I'm hoping for is REM. What I'm least concerned about is talking to whoever else is conveniently signed on. What I'm doing tomorrow is...undetermined.

Now repost this in the next 60 seconds or else you will not find true love for at least sixty days.