Sleep Walking

**Originally written on August 19, 2007

Finally, some night time rain. Hopefully this means that tonight my body will finally experience some REM. I can't explain it, and I wish it wasn't like this, but it seems that for the last few years of my life I have been unable to get a real night's sleep without the gentle pitter patter of the probably polluted precipitation of the peaceful downriver area.

Sometimes I will almost reach that deeply desired deep sleep state if the city outside my window appears, from the sound of things anyway, to be unrested. By time I finally reach anything deep enough for a dream however, I just find myself staring into sunshine, as I have never done anything to fix the broken blinds above my window. Now I am awake, praying that maybe tonight there will be some showers to soothe my senses and send me to sleep.

I am sleep walking anymore I suppose. Being as I certainly don't seem to ever get any rest lying down. This is not to mention the fact that by time the day is finished I find myself racking my brain, struggling to perfectly piece together the happenings of the day I'd had before me. Everything I do just feels so opaque, and distant these days. It's like when you wake up from a dream. You know for sure that you knew at one point exactly what you were doing in this fantasy filled coma, but now that you're back in the real world, it's as if your mind has lost all need to actually remember what took place, because in real life, what happens in your dreams is completely irrelevant. As a result of this, all that is left is the faint notion, and if you're lucky a vague memory, that you had in fact experienced a dream at all.

Night time is too quiet for me. It leaves way too much room for me to be alone with my thoughts. It is for this exact reason that I seem to almost never get any sleep unless it is by the sound of rain above my roof. Interestingly enough, this is also the same reason that nothing ever feels tangible to me unless it is something I experience while in my sleep. I guess that knowing this about myself I am just going to have to pray that I never have a dream about getting eaten by sharks. Or maybe just having a heart attack. Really a dream about dying at all scares me. It may sound paranoid, and maybe it is, but if someone can experience life only through the times in which they are sleeping, then it might not be so crazy to think that this person could be immortal unless taken out while in their dreams.